Dave Barry interview

INTERVIEWING DAVE BARRY

by Virginia R. Armstrong

I’m attending the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop at the University of Dayton in Ohio. Dave Barry, my funniest hero, is the headliner and I have an interview with him.

I’ve written articles about people in my city, but an interview with Dave is a challenge -- he's a celebrity author. Many people give me advice. Reporter friend, “ Practice using your tape recorder so you can do it blindfolded. Don’t waste any time.” Library friend, “Does he think libraries are important?” Writer friend, “Take notes – how he looks, what he’s wearing.” Reader friend, “As soon as it’s over, write down everything you remember.” Daughter friend, “Have a list of questions to ask him. Be ready.” Son friend, “Don’t talk much. He’ll ask you questions, but give short answers and go back to your questions for him.”

So much advice, so little time. I plan to do everything they’ve suggested. I’m set.

I buy Dave’s newest book, Money Secrets. I skim down the chapter titles, “How Money Works,” “How the US Economy Works,” “Ethical Guidelines for Corporate CEOs,” “Managing Your Personal Finances,“ Planning Your Estate.” This could be a textbook for Economics 101. Has Dave gone serious on me? Then I start reading. The book is full of “Barryisms.” The U.S. economy is defined as:

“The largest single item in the economy is the Gross National Product,

or DNA for short. This consists of everything that is produced by the

labor force after the labor force finally gets to work and finds a parking

space and has some Starbucks. At one time the Gross National Product

consisted of both goods and services, but today pretty much the physical

objects are manufactured in Asia, which means the US workforce is engaged

in the service economy, consisting of 83 million people in cubicles furtively

sending and receiving personal e-mails.”

In explaining how the corporate world works Dave writes:

“Ask virtually any large corporation about the competence of the people

in charge, and you will be assured that they are complete morons whose

apparent goal is to destroy the company.”

Three days left before I meet Dave in the Marriott lobby. I start to worry. He’s a popular author, and the lobby will be crowded with aspiring humor writers. How can I get some private time? My salesman son, Jimmy, tells me “Contact the waitress in the lobby bar, tell her you need privacy for the interview. Discreetly give her $20.00 and she’ll take care of you.”

When I get to the Marriott I walk in to the bar, talk to Sarah (the waitress in charge), and slip her twenty dollars. (I’m an educator. I’d never think of this!) She talks her manager in to letting us meet in a closed part of the bar.

I hang out in the lobby watching for Dave, like a bird waiting for her prey. I decide to forget all the advice and just be myself, getting to know a new friend. I’m not going to think about strategies. I’ll just let the good times roll.

I’ll recognize Dave because his picture is on the cover of all his books. I notice a tanned, athletic, blue-eyed, good-looking man glancing around the lobby. It’s Dave! Never expected him to be so attractive. I introduce myself and lead him in to the bar. Sarah takes us through the glass doors to a table for two and we order wine.

“Dave, how did you develop your humorous views on life? Many comedians come from a dysfunctional family and humor is the way they cope with it.”

“No, my family was normal – except we laughed and joked around a lot. My father had a sense of humor, but it was my mother with her dark sense of humor who had the biggest influence on me. In the 1950’s, my mother was a full-time housewife. We’d go to the store and the butcher would say, “how are you today?” Her answer, ‘I’ve had a shitty day.’ Even at the cemetery when my father was buried my mother would stop by a gravestone and say, ‘So that’s why I haven’t seen George lately.’ The other person who influenced me was Robert Benchly, the late humorist. He had such a creative, intelligent, silly way of describing life. “Mad” magazine was another influence.”

“Your picture is on all your book covers. On Dave is from Mars and Venus you’re two-headed with two weird looks and two crazy hats. On Dave Barry is not taking this Sitting Down! there’s frowning Dave sitting on a commode reading a newspaper. On Money Secrets you’re wearing a white wig, a judge’s robe and have a serious/silly look on your face. How do you think up these ideas?”

“Virginia, it’s not my idea – it’s the publisher’s. Can you imagine how I felt on a Sunday in downtown Miami with my pants down and sitting on a commode? Not fun. I keep telling my publishers I don’t want to be on the covers, but they insist.”

“You’ve written over twenty-five books, plus a syndicated column for many years. How do you find the time to do so much writing?”

“It’s my job. I get up in the morning, have breakfast and then go to work for at least eight hours. I do this five days a week.”

“What are you working on now?”

“I’m writing for a new group of readers – young adults. Last year Ridley Pearson and I co-authored, “Peter and the Star Catchers,” a prequel to Peter Pan, and it’s selling very well. Ridley and I are currently writing another young adult fiction that should be out in July.”

“You live in Miami, a great vacation place. Where do you and your family go for a vacation?”

“Idaho in the summer and skiing in Colorado in the winter. And I love Hawaii. It’s a beautiful place.”

My response, “Me, too. I lived there for more than two years…”

Now Dave starts interviewing me, and I have lots to say about Hawaii. Then, Dave says, “I used to enjoy Key West before so many tourists came on the cruise ships. Have you ever been there?”

I answer, “Yes, I lived there for two years…” and I’m off again telling my life story. Then I remember what Jimmy said, “Don’t talk much. Keep asking Dave questions,” and I return to my interview techniques.

“You’ve written about families, politics, education, economics, relationships – how do you get new ideas for your writing?”

“I’m always doing new things – like I went up in a fighter plane for fun. No plans to write anything, but I ended up writing about it later. Also, every four years I go to the presidential primaries and to the Democrat and Republican conventions. They give me lots of funny things to write about!”

“Do you know many politicians?”

“Some. In 1992 I was traveling with the press corps and I met the First Lady Barbara Bush. I made some inane comments, I said, ‘I shop at the same super market as your son, Jeb – before he was governor.’ She said, ‘Who gives a shit?’ with her eyes. Then, I made another intelligent comment, ‘He’s very tall.’ She nodded.”

“Do you write much about education?”

“Yeah, a lot. I’ve written about science fairs, college admissions, my kids in school. It’s a universal topic – everyone’s been to school – and lots of funny stuff happens there.”

“You have a twenty-five year old son and a six year old daughter. How do they feel when you write about them in your column? I remember one where something your daughter did ‘brought tears to my pants.’”

“With my son and my wife, I tell them if I’m writing about them before it’s published. They haven’t objected yet. I do remember one time when I had the Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile for two days. To surprise my son, I drove it to school to pick him up. All the kids stared. What kid wants his friends to see his dad pick him up in that?”

“For many years you were a reporter and awarded a Pulitzer in 1988 for commentary. You taught a business-writing course for several years. You’ve written a syndicated column for twenty years. That’s an impressive list of accomplishments. Have you written for television and movies?”

“I haven’t done the screenplays, but 'Guide To Guys,' was made in to a movie (G2G) and it’s on the Internet. Then, there was 'Big Trouble' with Tim Allen. And the TV show ‘Dave’s World’ was based on one of my books.”

“Do any of today’s TV shows make you laugh?”

“Not the usual sitcoms. But the original ones that are on HBO are my favorites – ‘Arrested Development,’ and ‘The Family Guy.’ Because I’m a writer, I can usually tell where the plots are going before things happen. The exception is ‘Scrubs.’ I often can’t tell where it’s going next.”

“You take any subject, and make the reader laugh. I went to your website and the warning was, ‘If you leave this website I will kill a defenseless toilet!’”

Dave looks at his watch. “It’s 5:35 and I was supposed to be at the dinner five minutes ago.”

Later at the book signing he greets people, asks their names, shakes hands, stands up for pictures. As he’s signing the book for my son, I say, “Give your hand a rest, Dave. We don’t need to shake hands again.” He smiles, stands up, gives me a hug and kisses me on my left cheek.

Maybe it’s okay not to follow everyone’s advice.