THE BEST LAID PLANS
by Lynn Colwell
A client calls me, oozing frustration. “After years of talking about writing a novel, I finally started a few months ago. I was so excited—and totally committed. I work full time, so three nights a week, my husband took over evening duties while I worked on the book. It was going great! I couldn’t believe how things were flowing. Then, my dad became ill, our younger son broke his arm, layoffs started happening at my husband’s company and I had an accident while driving home. In other words, my nice, neat plan was blown to smithereens. With all that was going on, even if I’d had the time, I just didn’t feel like writing. I felt wilted, dried up. Even now that things are calming down, the enthusiasm I had before all this happened hasn’t returned. The ideas aren’t flowing. I’ve obviously lost my momentum.”
This isn’t an unusual story. How often do we make plans, passionately engage in them, feel fired up, then are stopped dead in our tracks by some unforeseen circumstance? If your existence is anything like mine, this is the norm. Life tends to get in the way of our plans.
Does this mean we shouldn’t have plans, hopes and dreams?
No, it means that when we are planning, we can hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Most drug and alcohol treatment facilities help clients create a relapse plan early in the rehabilitation process. They assume that patients at some point are going to face temptation and are likely to give in to it. When planning for this eventuality, patients learn tools to help themselves when the going gets tough.
In the same way, I suggest to clients with big, long term goals, that they create contingency plans. Some clients dislike this idea and disagree with its premise. “You’re asking me to plan for failure,” said one. “Failure is simply not an option and besides, that makes me feel like you have no faith in me.”
Faith has nothing to do with it. This is reality we are talking about. Most of us live complex lives. There is much over which we have no control. In my opinion, if we assume that we operate in a vacuum and that we will remain on course regardless of the unexpected, we are being extremely unrealistic. Only those self-centered souls with no empathy, can ignore reality. The rest of us need to deal with it.
I suggested to my upset client that she step back and take a few days off from berating herself. I asked her to spend some time evaluating what she had accomplished during this difficult time. Had she gotten work done on her book? No. But she had, among other things, spent time with her dying father, engaged in meaningful talks with her husband regarding what he would do if he was laid off and kept up the spirits and seen to the physical needs of her injured son.
She was not on a deadline with the book. No one was insisting she get it written. But she had been afraid that if she didn’t work on it non-stop, she would never return to it or that the compelling enthusiasm that had fueled her would evaporate.
Neither happened.
Once she gave herself permission to relax a little, she actually began to feel OK about leaving the writing alone while she coped with the family’s slew of unfortunate circumstances. When she was ready, she jumped in again, but this time, far wiser.
“I see my mistake now,” she mused. “I was like an ocean line crossing the Atlantic. Nothing was going to stop me. But when something did, I was completely thrown. I know this sounds crazy, but I somehow thought that getting into the habit of writing was all it was going to take. I realize I need to look at this a little more realistically. I feel more convinced than ever that I will finish the book. It’s simply going to take as long as it takes. For some people that might not be OK. For me it is.”
(c) 2006, Lynn Colwell
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